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breathedoutFriends, I have disappointing news, which is that I got the wrong location for my queer bookgroup, meaning that I will not, as anticipated, get to discuss Myra Breckinridge with twelve other folks, so I will not be able to regale you with stories of the no-doubt extremely spirited conversation. Apparently there are two bookstores with the same name, at opposite ends of the East Bay, and I picked the wrong one. *Very sad trombone noise*
The level of my disappointment at this development is... possibly unreasonable. The group meets every month, so it's not like it's a huge deal; I'll just try again next time. And their May selection is Samantha Allen's Real Queer America, a much less controversial-seeming choice which I'd wanted to read anyway. I have another group event—a hike—on the calendar for next Sunday, so it's not like I'll have to wait a month to socialize with other queers IRL, even.
But I'd started seeking out in-person queer socialization opportunities because I've been feeling isolated both in my work and personal lives lately, and I feel like a wider net of community connections is something I sorely need. The work thing is, ugh, whatever, long story short it is my job to sometimes break unpopular news to people, and recently I did that and now everyone is having feelings about said news and a lot of the negativity in those feelings is being directed toward me even though I don't, actually, personally dictate California employment law. As surprising as that fact may be. I think it's just one of those things where it'll be uncomfortable for a while and then we'll all rebuild our connections, but for now it feels pretty lonely and pretty lousy.
On the personal side, I haven't been as interested in dating-type interactions lately, so although I have reconnected with a few lovers/sexfriends who are great and lovely people, that's not really the kind of dynamic I'm craving. And internet- and fandom-wise I feel sort of lonely that I don't have a media source I feel particularly fannish about at the moment. So many folks in my circles, including of coursegreywash, are super, super into The Magicians but I'm just... not, really; and the stuff about the show that does interest me runs counter to the prevailing fandom and shipping trends. (Also counter to the stuff the showrunners want to spend any energy exploring, APPARENTLY, but that's a post for another day.) The major writing project that I am passionate about right now is an original one, which is further isolating. I didn't really realize, I think, that despite the often-toxic atmosphere of Tumblr and the way the infinite-scroll, constant-refresh setup poorly impacts my mental health, I'd come to rely on just the massive number of connections and types of connections I'd made there over the years: no matter which part of my personality I was expressing at any given moment, there were probably some folks who related with interest. But I can't really support heavy engagement on more than one social media platform and I don't think it'd be good for me to go back there, so: no way out but forward.
All of which is, you know, all well and good, it's just the way things happen sometimes. A month or so back I got on Meetup, joined a bunch of queer groups in the area, RSVPed to some events, and I really felt like "Okay! I've got this! I'm taking responsibility for my feelings and looking after supplying a lack in my life! True self-care is investing the effort up-front to get one's needs met sustainably in the long term!" All of which still holds true, but having the first thing I put on my calendar rescheduled (this was the hike that is now next weekend) and the second thing I put on my calendar fucked up due to my own navigational confusion, is surprisingly demoralizing! It feels like I've put in all this hard work of doing outreach, researching logistics, preparing reading, psyching myself up, and leaving the house... all for no payoff. Even though really, as I should remind myself, the payoff is just slightly delayed.
Anyway that's my whining for the evening. I will now drink Pinot Grigio and read about amazing sex workers in India doing practical, peer-based AIDS activism in the early 2000s and actually making a difference while punitive, shaming, nonconsensual government-sponsored programs with huge budgets failed. And will be fortified for the week to come. So there.
The level of my disappointment at this development is... possibly unreasonable. The group meets every month, so it's not like it's a huge deal; I'll just try again next time. And their May selection is Samantha Allen's Real Queer America, a much less controversial-seeming choice which I'd wanted to read anyway. I have another group event—a hike—on the calendar for next Sunday, so it's not like I'll have to wait a month to socialize with other queers IRL, even.
But I'd started seeking out in-person queer socialization opportunities because I've been feeling isolated both in my work and personal lives lately, and I feel like a wider net of community connections is something I sorely need. The work thing is, ugh, whatever, long story short it is my job to sometimes break unpopular news to people, and recently I did that and now everyone is having feelings about said news and a lot of the negativity in those feelings is being directed toward me even though I don't, actually, personally dictate California employment law. As surprising as that fact may be. I think it's just one of those things where it'll be uncomfortable for a while and then we'll all rebuild our connections, but for now it feels pretty lonely and pretty lousy.
On the personal side, I haven't been as interested in dating-type interactions lately, so although I have reconnected with a few lovers/sexfriends who are great and lovely people, that's not really the kind of dynamic I'm craving. And internet- and fandom-wise I feel sort of lonely that I don't have a media source I feel particularly fannish about at the moment. So many folks in my circles, including of course
greywash, are super, super into The Magicians but I'm just... not, really; and the stuff about the show that does interest me runs counter to the prevailing fandom and shipping trends. (Also counter to the stuff the showrunners want to spend any energy exploring, APPARENTLY, but that's a post for another day.) The major writing project that I am passionate about right now is an original one, which is further isolating. I didn't really realize, I think, that despite the often-toxic atmosphere of Tumblr and the way the infinite-scroll, constant-refresh setup poorly impacts my mental health, I'd come to rely on just the massive number of connections and types of connections I'd made there over the years: no matter which part of my personality I was expressing at any given moment, there were probably some folks who related with interest. But I can't really support heavy engagement on more than one social media platform and I don't think it'd be good for me to go back there, so: no way out but forward. All of which is, you know, all well and good, it's just the way things happen sometimes. A month or so back I got on Meetup, joined a bunch of queer groups in the area, RSVPed to some events, and I really felt like "Okay! I've got this! I'm taking responsibility for my feelings and looking after supplying a lack in my life! True self-care is investing the effort up-front to get one's needs met sustainably in the long term!" All of which still holds true, but having the first thing I put on my calendar rescheduled (this was the hike that is now next weekend) and the second thing I put on my calendar fucked up due to my own navigational confusion, is surprisingly demoralizing! It feels like I've put in all this hard work of doing outreach, researching logistics, preparing reading, psyching myself up, and leaving the house... all for no payoff. Even though really, as I should remind myself, the payoff is just slightly delayed.
Anyway that's my whining for the evening. I will now drink Pinot Grigio and read about amazing sex workers in India doing practical, peer-based AIDS activism in the early 2000s and actually making a difference while punitive, shaming, nonconsensual government-sponsored programs with huge budgets failed. And will be fortified for the week to come. So there.
