breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
Please god love me and buy me

Read this hillock and ride me
Wraith typing all day for money.

God bought me today for two silver fish in a can
God bought me tomorrow for bland in a pan
and a card an email from Rebecca

Bought four hours of my control alt delete shut down
Bought a new day-section with a headstand

My commerce in shall

Sky like a grandstand
Transact

God performed me today for a half minute
lucky
in locker room hiding my boobs from the kids
and my hair is silky and my mane shot silk gold

Bought a book on economy
Georgie Bataille
Called about plane tickets
Georgie Bataille
I bought my debt today
Georgie Bataille hooray
Debt off my God today

God off my debt in a macular hole

I dream of an end like a fount to this night
Run thinner and thinner and then it’s all light
Macerated in signal

by my go

I bought my ghost I walk my ghost


—Catherine Wagner, "Macular hole"

I discovered this poem while browsing for titles for my Yuletide story. It’s useless for that purpose, but I really like it for itself. Especially at this commerce- and god-confounded time of year.

(Also, I’m getting brilliant little echoes of John Donne’s “Batter my heart, three-person’d God” sonnet in the opening, which is a two-for-one poetic knockout, as far as I’m concerned. The general aesthetic seems sort of… John Donne meets Courtney Love, actually, so how can I resist?)
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
let it go – the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise – let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go
dear

so comes love


—ee cummings, "let it go"

How then

Dec. 12th, 2018 08:14 am
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
How then, she had asked herself, did one know one thing or another about people, sealed as they were?


—Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
O to blot out this garden
to forget, to find a new beauty
in some terrible
wind-tortured place.


—HD (Hilda Doolittle)
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
We ate the birds. We ate them. We wanted their songs to flow up through our throats and burst out of our mouths, and so we ate them. We wanted their feathers to bud from our flesh. We wanted their wings, we wanted to fly as they did, soar freely among the treetops and the clouds, and so we ate them. We speared them, we clubbed them, we tangled their feet in glue, we netted them, we spitted them, we threw them onto hot coals, and all for love, because we loved them. We wanted to be one with them. We wanted to hatch out of clean, smooth, beautiful eggs, as they did, back when we were young and agile and innocent of cause and effect, we did not want the mess of being born, and so we crammed the birds into our gullets, feathers and all, but it was no use, we couldn’t sing, not effortlessly as they do, we can’t fly, not without smoke and metal, and as for the eggs we don’t stand a chance. We’re mired in gravity, we’re earthbound. We’re ankle-deep in blood, and all because we ate the birds, we ate them a long time ago, when we still had the power to say no.


—Margaret Atwood, The Tent
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
Rochester? Grace? Bluebird? Maurice? Hours of Ease? Dunkirk? Relentless?”

Richard was quite correct, as technically speaking they were all in harbour, in addressing them by the names of their craft. Maurice, an amiable young man, had realised as soon as he came to the Reach that Richard was always going to do this and that he himself would accordingly be known as Dondeschiepolschuygen IV, which was inscribed in gilt lettering on his bows. He therefore renamed his boat Maurice.


—Penelope Fitzgerald, Offshore

……I kind of love her already.
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
        do you know how hard this is for me?
        do you know what you’re asking?

what i can promise to be is water,
water plain and direct as Niagara.
unsparing of myself, unsparing of
the cliff i batter, but also unsparing
of you, tourist. the question for me is
how long can i cling to this edge?
the question for you is
what have you ever traveled toward
more than your own safety?


—Lucille Clifton, "further note to clark"
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
The jellyfish
float in the bay shallows
like schools of clouds,

a dozen identical — is it right
to call them creatures,
these elaborate sacks

of nothing? All they seem
is shape, and shifting,
and though a whole troop

of undulant cousins
go about their business
within a single wave's span,

every one does something unlike:
this one a balloon
open on both ends

but swollen to its full expanse,
this one a breathing heart,
this a pulsing flower.

This one a rolled condom,
or a plastic purse swallowing itself,
that one a Tiffany shade,

this a troubled parasol.
This submarine opera's
all subterfuge and disguise,

its plot a fabulous tangle
of hiding and recognition:
nothing but trope,

nothing but something
forming itself into figures
then refiguring,

sheer ectoplasm
recognizable only as the stuff
of metaphor. What can words do

but link what we know
to what we don't,
and so form a shape?

Which shrinks or swells,
configures or collapses, blooms
even as it is described

into some unlikely
marine chiffon:
a gown for Isadora?

Nothing but style.
What binds
one shape to another

also sets them apart
— but what's lovelier
than the shapeshifting

transparence of like and as:
clear, undulant words?
We look at alien grace,

unfettered
by any determined form,
and we say: balloon, flower,

heart, condom, opera,
lampshade, parasol, ballet.
Hear how the mouth,

so full
of longing for the world,
changes its shape?


—Mark Doty, "Difference"
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
It was a time
of waiting, of suspended action.

I lived in the present, which was
that part of the future you could see.
The past floated above my head,
like the sun and moon, visible but never reachable.

It was a time
governed by contradictions, as in
I felt nothing and
I was afraid.


—Louise Glück, from Landscape
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
Often, in about three quarters of what I do, I reach a point somewhere, fairly early on, when I think I’m going to abandon this story. I get myself through a day or two of bad depression, grouching around. And I think of something else I can write. It’s sort of like a love affair: you’re getting out of all the disappointment and misery by going out with some new man you don’t really like at all, but you haven’t noticed that yet. Then, I will suddenly come up with something about the story that I abandoned; I will see how to do it.


—Alice Munro, The Art of Fiction No. 137 (Paris Review)
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
Memory is like fiction; or else it’s fiction that’s like memory. This really came home to me once I started writing fiction, that memory seemed a kind of fiction, or vice versa. Either way, no matter how hard you try to put everything neatly into shape, the context wanders this way and that, until finally the context isn’t even there anymore… Warm with life, hopelessly unstable.


—Haruki Murakami, The Elephant Vanishes

"Tag"

Dec. 11th, 2018 11:54 am
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
I walk and walk with cold hands.
Back at the house it is filled with longing,
nothing to carry longing away.
I look back over my life.
I try to find analogies.
There are none.
I have longed for people before, I have loved people before.
Not like this.

It was not this.

Give me a world, you have taken the world I was.


—Anne Carson, "Tag"
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
Trapped, blinded, led; and in the end betrayed
Daily by new betrayals as he stays
Deep in his labyrinth, shaking and going mad.
Betrayed. Betrayed. Raving, the beaten head
Heavy with madness, he stands, half-dead and proud.
No one again will ever see his pride.
No one will find him by walking to him straight
But must be led circuitously about,
Calling to him and close and, losing the subtle thread,
Lose him again; while he waits, brutalized
By loneliness. Later, afraid
Of his own suffering. At last, savage and made
Ravenous, ready to prey upon the race
If it so much as learns the clews of blood
Into his pride his fear his glistening heart.
Now is the patient deserted in his fright
and love carrying salvage round the world
Lost in a crooked city; roundabout,
By the sea, the precipice, all the fantastic ways
Betrayal weaves its trap; loneliness knows the thread,
And the heart is lost, lost, trapped, blinded and led,
Deserted at the middle of the maze.


—Muriel Rukeyser, "The Minotaur"
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way.


—Vita Sackville-West, excerpt of a letter to Virginia Woolf
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
It seems that a profound, impartial, and absolutely just opinion of our fellow-creatures is utterly unknown. Either we are men, or we are women. Either we are cold, or we are sentimental. Either we are young, or growing old. In any case life is but a procession of shadows, and God knows why it is that we embrace them so eagerly, and see them depart with such anguish, being shadows. And why, if this and much more than this is true, why are we yet surprised in the window corner by a sudden vision that the young man in the chair is of all things in the world the most real, the most solid, the best known to us—why indeed? For the moment after we know nothing about him.

Such is the manner of our seeing. Such the conditions of our love.


—Virginia Woolf, Jacob's Room

I feel sure I’ve tumbled this passage before, but now I can’t find it. One of my absolute, all-time favorite collections of words. The last two to three sentences are among my top contenders for the tattoo I will probably never get.

And these ideas are also relevant to the plotting stuff I was doing last night on the next Unreal Cities story [NB this would've been A hundred hours, and I was not wrong]. Basically it doesn’t get any better than this, as far as I’m concerned.
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
Janie awoke next morning by feeling Tea Cake almost kissing her breath away. Holding her and caressing her as if he feared she might escape his grasp and fly away. Then he must dress hurriedly and get to his job on time. He wouldn’t let her get him any breakfast at all. He wanted her to get her rest. He made her stay where she was. In her heart she wanted to get his breakfast for him. But she stayed in bed long after he was gone.

So much had been breathed out by the pores that Tea Cake still was there. She could feel him and almost see him bucking around the room in the upper air. After a long time of passive happiness, she got up and opened the window and let Tea Cake leap forth and mount to the sky on a wind. That was the beginning of things.


—Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

I was vaguely re-reading sections from Their Eyes Were Watching God (as one does), and I came upon this TRULY EXCELLENT incidence of “had been breathed out,” which is almost my username! In almost my favorite novel! By complete coincidence! (Well, complete coincidence unless Hurston was referencing Sappho here, or referencing a third party who referenced Sappho, which could certainly be the case. Or unless Anne Carson, in translating Sappho, was referencing Hurston! Oh, the twisted paths of influence.)

In any case, yay for Hurston and for me!
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
The light foot hears you and the brightness begins
god-step at the margins of thought,
     quick adulterous tread at the heart.
Who is it that goes there?
     Where I see your quick face
notes of an old music pace the air,
torso-reverberations of a Grecian lyre.

In Goya’s canvas Cupid and Psyche
have a hurt voluptuous grace
bruised by redemption. The copper light
falling upon the brown boy’s slight body
is carnal fate that sends the soul wailing
up from blind innocence, ensnared
     by dimness
into the deprivations of desiring sight.

But the eyes in Goya’s painting are soft,
diffuse with rapture absorb the flame.
Their bodies yield out of strength.
     Waves of visual pleasure
wrap them in a sorrow previous to their impatience.

A bronze of yearning, a rose that burns
     the tips of their bodies, lips,
ends of fingers, nipples. He is not wingd.
His thighs are flesh, are clouds
     lit by the sun in its going down,
hot luminescence at the loins of the visible.
     But they are not in a landscape.
     They exist in an obscurity.
The wind spreading the sail serves them.
The two jealous sisters eager for her ruin
     serve them.
That she is ignorant, ignorant of what Love will be,
     serves them.
The dark serves them.
The oil scalding his shoulder serves them,
serves their story. Fate, spinning,
     knots the threads for Love.

Jealousy, ignorance, the hurt … serve them.


—Robert Duncan, "A Poem Beginning with a Line from Pindar"

I am sort of idly searching poetic annals for a title for this Paris story, and while for various reasons I don’t think this Duncan poem is really suitable, the language sure is chewy enough for dinner, coffee, and a cigarette after. This is only the first section; do click through for the whole thing.
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
Late August, given heavy rain and sun
For a full week, the blackberries would ripen.
At first, just one, a glossy purple clot
Among others, red, green, hard as a knot.
You ate that first one and its flesh was sweet
Like thickened wine: summer’s blood was in it
Leaving stains upon the tongue and lust for
Picking. Then red ones inked up and that hunger
Sent us out with milk cans, pea tins, jam-pots
Where briars scratched and wet grass bleached our boots.
Round hayfields, cornfields and potato-drills
We trekked and picked until the cans were full
Until the tinkling bottom had been covered
With green ones, and on top big dark blobs burned
Like a plate of eyes. Our hands were peppered
With thorn pricks, our palms sticky as Bluebeard’s.

We hoarded the fresh berries in the byre.
But when the bath was filled we found a fur,
A rat-grey fungus, glutting on our cache.
The juice was stinking too. Once off the bush
The fruit fermented, the sweet flesh would turn sour.
I always felt like crying. It wasn’t fair
That all the lovely canfuls smelt of rot.
Each year I hoped they’d keep, knew they would not.


—Seamus Heaney
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you.


—Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit
breathedout: Portrait of breathedout by Leontine Greenberg (bathtime)
The outbreak of war had also been a notable experience for Kresten [Andresen, a Danish-speaking conscript into the Austro-Hungarian army]. He had just put the finishing touches to a manuscript: “A Book about Spring and Youth.” It was a sort of long prose poem about folk-life, nature and young love (or rather, a longing for young love). The manuscript itself was a kind of act of love, with its pale blue cover, its elegantly coloured vignettes and illuminated capitals—all of which he had done himself. The lines with which he ended his work were these: “A bell falls silent, and then another, and another. The bells are falling silent more and more, their sounds becoming fainter and fainter, dying away until they are completely silent. Death, where are thy spoils? Hell, where is thy victory?” At the very moment he was writing these last words his father entered the room and told him that mobilisation had started. So, at the bottom of the very last clean page of the manuscript, Kresten added a few lines: “O God, have mercy on those of us going, and who knows when we shall return!”


—Peter Englund, The Beauty and the Sorrow: An Intimate History of the First World War

OK, update: this book is fantastic. Reminder: Kresten Andresen was a real person, and this whole story is (Kresten claimed) absolutely true. It is at least true that Kresten wrote and illustrated “A Book about Spring and Youth” during the summer of 1914, even if his poetic and idealistic nature tends to make one question the exact timing of the way in which he learned about the mobilisation. For my purposes, though, stuff like this is absolutely perfect, because I care much less about macrocosmic causes and global truths, and much more about what the war was like for people living it, and the stories they told themselves about what was happening to them, as it happened. So Englund’s approach, of focusing on first-hand accounts from twenty different ordinary people, is pretty much solid gold as far as I’m concerned, especially since he back-fills his sources’ chaotic, in-the-moment accounts with some amount of historical context for his readers.

I also love that he’s covering more than just the Western Front, and that his stable of narrative sources includes many women, older people, younger people (12-year-old German schoolgirl Elfriede Kuhr is thus far fascinating), and people from ethnic and lingual minorities (such as 23-year-old Kresten, who hailed from Jutland, spoke Danish, and considered himself a Dane, but was technically a German citizen and so was conscripted into the army). I have, unsurprisingly, a particular soft spot for 49-year-old Scot Sarah MacNaughtan, field aid worker, who prior to the war “lives alone, unmarried and childless … has travelled a great deal, frequently in trying conditions, and … writes books.”

[Re-sharing to people's reading pages because five years later The Beauty and the Sorrow continues to be invaluable. As far as I'm concerned, if you read one book about WWI, read this one. Incidentally, Kresten later became one of several models for Daniel MacIntyre in A Hundred Hours, although by the time I was done rewriting & editing, the final version of the character doesn't bear him much of a resemblance.]
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