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breathedoutFriends, I have disappointing news, which is that I got the wrong location for my queer bookgroup, meaning that I will not, as anticipated, get to discuss Myra Breckinridge with twelve other folks, so I will not be able to regale you with stories of the no-doubt extremely spirited conversation. Apparently there are two bookstores with the same name, at opposite ends of the East Bay, and I picked the wrong one. *Very sad trombone noise*
The level of my disappointment at this development is... possibly unreasonable. The group meets every month, so it's not like it's a huge deal; I'll just try again next time. And their May selection is Samantha Allen's Real Queer America, a much less controversial-seeming choice which I'd wanted to read anyway. I have another group event—a hike—on the calendar for next Sunday, so it's not like I'll have to wait a month to socialize with other queers IRL, even.
But I'd started seeking out in-person queer socialization opportunities because I've been feeling isolated both in my work and personal lives lately, and I feel like a wider net of community connections is something I sorely need. The work thing is, ugh, whatever, long story short it is my job to sometimes break unpopular news to people, and recently I did that and now everyone is having feelings about said news and a lot of the negativity in those feelings is being directed toward me even though I don't, actually, personally dictate California employment law. As surprising as that fact may be. I think it's just one of those things where it'll be uncomfortable for a while and then we'll all rebuild our connections, but for now it feels pretty lonely and pretty lousy.
On the personal side, I haven't been as interested in dating-type interactions lately, so although I have reconnected with a few lovers/sexfriends who are great and lovely people, that's not really the kind of dynamic I'm craving. And internet- and fandom-wise I feel sort of lonely that I don't have a media source I feel particularly fannish about at the moment. So many folks in my circles, including of coursegreywash, are super, super into The Magicians but I'm just... not, really; and the stuff about the show that does interest me runs counter to the prevailing fandom and shipping trends. (Also counter to the stuff the showrunners want to spend any energy exploring, APPARENTLY, but that's a post for another day.) The major writing project that I am passionate about right now is an original one, which is further isolating. I didn't really realize, I think, that despite the often-toxic atmosphere of Tumblr and the way the infinite-scroll, constant-refresh setup poorly impacts my mental health, I'd come to rely on just the massive number of connections and types of connections I'd made there over the years: no matter which part of my personality I was expressing at any given moment, there were probably some folks who related with interest. But I can't really support heavy engagement on more than one social media platform and I don't think it'd be good for me to go back there, so: no way out but forward.
All of which is, you know, all well and good, it's just the way things happen sometimes. A month or so back I got on Meetup, joined a bunch of queer groups in the area, RSVPed to some events, and I really felt like "Okay! I've got this! I'm taking responsibility for my feelings and looking after supplying a lack in my life! True self-care is investing the effort up-front to get one's needs met sustainably in the long term!" All of which still holds true, but having the first thing I put on my calendar rescheduled (this was the hike that is now next weekend) and the second thing I put on my calendar fucked up due to my own navigational confusion, is surprisingly demoralizing! It feels like I've put in all this hard work of doing outreach, researching logistics, preparing reading, psyching myself up, and leaving the house... all for no payoff. Even though really, as I should remind myself, the payoff is just slightly delayed.
Anyway that's my whining for the evening. I will now drink Pinot Grigio and read about amazing sex workers in India doing practical, peer-based AIDS activism in the early 2000s and actually making a difference while punitive, shaming, nonconsensual government-sponsored programs with huge budgets failed. And will be fortified for the week to come. So there.
The level of my disappointment at this development is... possibly unreasonable. The group meets every month, so it's not like it's a huge deal; I'll just try again next time. And their May selection is Samantha Allen's Real Queer America, a much less controversial-seeming choice which I'd wanted to read anyway. I have another group event—a hike—on the calendar for next Sunday, so it's not like I'll have to wait a month to socialize with other queers IRL, even.
But I'd started seeking out in-person queer socialization opportunities because I've been feeling isolated both in my work and personal lives lately, and I feel like a wider net of community connections is something I sorely need. The work thing is, ugh, whatever, long story short it is my job to sometimes break unpopular news to people, and recently I did that and now everyone is having feelings about said news and a lot of the negativity in those feelings is being directed toward me even though I don't, actually, personally dictate California employment law. As surprising as that fact may be. I think it's just one of those things where it'll be uncomfortable for a while and then we'll all rebuild our connections, but for now it feels pretty lonely and pretty lousy.
On the personal side, I haven't been as interested in dating-type interactions lately, so although I have reconnected with a few lovers/sexfriends who are great and lovely people, that's not really the kind of dynamic I'm craving. And internet- and fandom-wise I feel sort of lonely that I don't have a media source I feel particularly fannish about at the moment. So many folks in my circles, including of course
greywash, are super, super into The Magicians but I'm just... not, really; and the stuff about the show that does interest me runs counter to the prevailing fandom and shipping trends. (Also counter to the stuff the showrunners want to spend any energy exploring, APPARENTLY, but that's a post for another day.) The major writing project that I am passionate about right now is an original one, which is further isolating. I didn't really realize, I think, that despite the often-toxic atmosphere of Tumblr and the way the infinite-scroll, constant-refresh setup poorly impacts my mental health, I'd come to rely on just the massive number of connections and types of connections I'd made there over the years: no matter which part of my personality I was expressing at any given moment, there were probably some folks who related with interest. But I can't really support heavy engagement on more than one social media platform and I don't think it'd be good for me to go back there, so: no way out but forward. All of which is, you know, all well and good, it's just the way things happen sometimes. A month or so back I got on Meetup, joined a bunch of queer groups in the area, RSVPed to some events, and I really felt like "Okay! I've got this! I'm taking responsibility for my feelings and looking after supplying a lack in my life! True self-care is investing the effort up-front to get one's needs met sustainably in the long term!" All of which still holds true, but having the first thing I put on my calendar rescheduled (this was the hike that is now next weekend) and the second thing I put on my calendar fucked up due to my own navigational confusion, is surprisingly demoralizing! It feels like I've put in all this hard work of doing outreach, researching logistics, preparing reading, psyching myself up, and leaving the house... all for no payoff. Even though really, as I should remind myself, the payoff is just slightly delayed.
Anyway that's my whining for the evening. I will now drink Pinot Grigio and read about amazing sex workers in India doing practical, peer-based AIDS activism in the early 2000s and actually making a difference while punitive, shaming, nonconsensual government-sponsored programs with huge budgets failed. And will be fortified for the week to come. So there.
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Date: 2019-04-15 03:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 05:29 am (UTC)Oh well. Maybe I'll get around to reading it one day and we can do a mini discussion, lol.
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Date: 2019-04-15 05:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 05:34 am (UTC)Thanks for the encouragement. I know it will eventually pay off (probably sooner than later, given I have plans for next weekend); for some reason this particular setback just got to me. But I will persevere.
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Date: 2019-04-15 05:41 am (UTC)I have a lot of experience with feeling disconnected from queer community, due to career stuff and just not having the time and energy. It sucks, especially when you think you’re actually finally going to get to Do A Thing, and then the Thing doesn’t happen.
I don’t feel isolated anymore, for reasons I’ll explain later, hopefully in a non-absurd number of words. *interrupts in-progress ramble to flop into bed*
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Date: 2019-04-15 06:16 am (UTC)When I refreshed the tab a few minutes later, the video was gone. HMMM. I have questions.
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Date: 2019-04-15 04:12 pm (UTC)Thanks for the empathy, even in placeholder form. I'm sure I'll work through all this & I'll re-form a sense of connectedness, but for now it is kind of a drag. :-P
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Date: 2019-04-16 04:04 am (UTC)I'm sure I'll work through all this & I'll re-form a sense of connectedness, but for now it is kind of a drag.
Crossing fingers that this changes eventually, if not right away.
And yeah, I'm not very into The Magicians, either, even though most people around here seem to be? I find myself missing the time when I could reblog happy shitposts about queer things, and cute dogs, and Emma Thompson being delightful while giving no fucks,
and read new chapters of Build Your Wings, which I still adorebut, well...Stuff happened, and here we are. It's ok. :)Killing Eve does seem right up your alley, though.
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Date: 2019-04-15 06:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 04:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 07:41 am (UTC)I have read MB but it's a long time ago - I'm sorry you didn't get to have the discussion. sympathising very much with the feelings of isolation, though my reasons aren't work-related - and admiring your efforts at queer socializing, which I try to do but it is indeed fucking hard work.
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Date: 2019-04-15 04:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 02:38 pm (UTC)Also it can definitely feel isolating when you're used to getting social interaction from fandom -- I felt so stupid to feel lonely when many of my friends were way into Star Wars a few years ago, but I couldn't help it. I also find that I get a lot of creative energy from fandom, and if I don't have one I can feel a bit down. And sometimes I can go for a long time between fandoms and I'm like... "Come find me, media. I need you..." When I've felt kind of bummed out by fandom, I've found participating in fic exchanges, like the femslash fic exchange, has reawakened my creative feels a bit.
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Date: 2019-04-15 04:39 pm (UTC)And yes, that "come find me, media" feeling. So relatable. And exacerbated by the fact that I find it SUPER difficult to actually keep up on visual media; like if greywash isn't also watching it with me, I am pretty much guaranteed not to allocate the time to watching more movies & TV than I already do; reading just comes much more naturally to me. But most fandom-bait is visual. There are things I know I'll love that I just haven't gotten around to—Killing Eve is in its second season and I still haven't seen S1! And that show sounds pretty much tailor-made to suit my interests. *Sigh* So much TV, so little time.
What book are you discussing at your Wednesday book club? I ordered the next month's selection for mine last night, as a consolation prize. :-P
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Date: 2019-04-15 06:01 pm (UTC)Wordless sympathy re: queer loneliness.
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Date: 2019-04-16 03:51 am (UTC)Thank you for your sympathy on the queer loneliness front. <3
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Date: 2019-04-15 06:44 pm (UTC)We're discussing "The Argonauts" which was my choice, but now that I'm trying to come up with questions I'm kind of like "??? was this a good idea though". I also fear I may be the only person there, as a lot of others seem to be students and have exams.
It's always nice to go back to a fandom that gives you good feelings. <3 Kink memes are really fun -- I'd kind of forgotten they exist tbh.
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Date: 2019-04-16 03:58 am (UTC)It is always unpredictable the media sources that "bite" one in that fannish way, it's true. I often feel like being a little less "good," whether artistically or politically, actually tends to increase my fannish brain's investment, because then it has things to argue with, or fix. My problem with writing anything for Black Sails is really that it's so close to perfect in my mind... there's nothing more I need to add.
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Date: 2019-04-15 04:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 03:36 pm (UTC)I absolutely feel your disappointment - especially when things have already been lonely, mishaps like that seem to take on omen-like proportions, which just makes it feel harder to stretch out. I hope the hike is an enormous success!
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Date: 2019-04-15 04:06 pm (UTC)I hope the hike will be good, too! It's pretty close in, but the area is supposed to be good for wildflowers, and California is having such an amazing wildflower year that I'm hopeful we'll see some lovely scenery.
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Date: 2019-04-15 06:14 pm (UTC)Connection and community are hard. M.
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Date: 2019-04-16 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 06:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-16 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 08:44 pm (UTC)The part of this post I sympathise with most acutely is the work bit though. Oh, man, come talk to me about everyone hating you because you have to break bad news, the kind of bad news that should not (a) be a horrible shock to anyone paying attention or (b) be considered your fault - like, yes, there really is no money! no, we cannot hire you, because no money! no, you cannot do this thing, because no money! I am not in fact in control of central government funding and higher education policy. It is so difficult when colleagues are angry and upset and have no-one to blame except you. (I cannot comfortingly say that they'll get over it either because...will they? Let me know if yours do!)
Fingers crossed the hike will be great and inspiring.
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Date: 2019-04-16 04:46 am (UTC)In any case thanks for the nice thoughts. I'm willing you the best of luck with your colleagues.
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Date: 2019-04-17 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-18 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 10:36 pm (UTC)What is a nerd to do without a fandom? I feel that this is one of the important questions of our time. And yet we must wait, passive and receptive, for the media to choose us, and when we are passed over, we must watch as those previously beside us are wrapped in the magic pink unicorn onesie of fannish enthusiasm and lofted over our heads in a waft of sparkles.
I really feel you on the isolation of being wrapped up in an original writing project, but you know that; I live there. I’ve dealt with this for 25 years by… not dealing with it, and putting up with it. Which is really not a very high-grade form of dealing with it. Writers’ retreats are good if you can get to them. And I selfishly want you to share stuff here!
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Date: 2019-04-17 05:14 am (UTC)The nerd without a fandom question is truly a dilemma for the ages. I really do miss the large, creative community aspect of Sherlock fandom in its heyday, even if there are also many fandom dynamics that I, to put it mildly, do not miss. :-/
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Date: 2019-04-18 05:49 pm (UTC)I'm sorry you're going through similar feelings of loss and disconnection, though. It's really rough! I was not expecting how rough it would be. Yes and yes and yes to the amounts of energy involved in getting something new started, as compared to the amount of energy required to keep something going that's already a regular practice; and then on top of that, when the new thing inherently requires more work than the old thing, or even a different type of work, it's just. A lot! It's a lot. :-P
Anyway I am sending the best of vibes to you as you work to figure this stuff out for yourself, and it's really good to reconnect with you here. :-)
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Date: 2019-04-23 08:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-24 04:01 am (UTC)